This Tantric Exercise Will Make Your Dating Life More Fulfilling

An introduction to initiating and enjoying tantric eye gazing

Our first date started an hour ago. Alice and I are walking through Hyde Park, on a cold and sunny Sunday afternoon. We’ve just finished an enjoyable conversation about philosophy. The conversation engaged my mind, but emotionally I don’t feel as connected to her as I would like to. I suggest that we try something different. It will take 2 minutes.

I explain the exercise: “We will look into each other’s eyes for two minutes. I invite you to drop into your body and your heart rather than analysing the situation with your mind. It is allowed to speak, but only about things that are relevant in this moment. Sharing sensations or feelings as they arise is welcome, but it is also fine to stay silent for the complete duration. There is no goal. Maybe something interesting will happen and maybe not. Notice how it feels to be seen, notice how it feels to see me. This is not a staring competition. There are no winners or losers.” Alice is happy to try.

Depending on how comfortable you and your date are with eye contact this may sound a little daunting. I suggest you use a timer and set it to two minutes. Having a set time frame will make the exercise seem less scary. Find a place where both of you can sit comfortably.

So what happens in those two minutes? Anything could happen. What is happening in my experience is that after a while of looking into each others eyes my date and I start feeling relaxed and comfortable around each other and that opportunities to connect on a deeper level arise. Occasionally this exercise can bring up emotions or even tears. This is welcome too, and raw emotions can often be a gateway to sharing a beautiful moment together and can lead to conversations that are genuine and meaningful.

Often eye gazing also changes the dynamic of the date. It allows both of you to be open, vulnerable and intimate with each other. A few minutes of eye gazing often eliminate the need to play status games, challenge each other, try to look good, brag or engage in other forms of communication that are not going to help you to establish an authentic connection.

If both of you are trying this for the first time you may feel the need to laugh or distract each other. Laughing and talking about unrelated things are often defence mechanisms. This may be unconscious and will pass. The magic starts when the laughing stops and both of you are truly present. Sometimes this takes a while.

When you look into your partners eyes different sensations or emotions may come up. Feel free to share them. If you notice that you are feeling relaxed, share that. If you feel nervous, try what it feels like to say “I feel nervous”. You can also share your perception of your partner. For example: “I have the impression that you are sad”. When your perception is true the other person will feel seen. When it’s not, you have established that you are willing to take the risk to share your impressions and your feelings about the other person.

You can also express desires. If you feel like holding your partners hand, you may say “I would like to hold your hand, how would that be for you?”. Whatever you do in this exercise stay present, authentic and spontaneous. Having a particular agenda in mind is counterproductive.

If both of you are expressing yourself and taking risks this will usually bring you closer together than if you stay completely silent. But complete silence can also be powerful. When first meeting a stranger many people feel that silence can be awkward. This sometimes leads people to have conversations about things they don’t really care about just to fill the silence. Being comfortable sharing a moment of silence with another person can create a feeling of intimacy in itself.

The two minutes that you set initially don’t have to be a hard limit. If continuing feels good to both of you, feel free to continue. When you finish the exercise ask your eye gazing partner what the experience was like for her and share what the experience was like for you.

When I’ve told friends or family about this in the past they have sometimes looked at me incredulous. Who would do eye gazing with a stranger that they’ve just met? In my experience most people I’ve met are willing to try it. I’ve done this with complete strangers in public places, on dates, with friends and with long-term romantic partners. There are many places outside of dating where eye gazing might lead to fulfilling experiences, but I find it especially powerful in dating. It helps to create a space where both of you can be authentic and feel at ease with each other and that’s a great foundation for getting to know each other.

If you suggest eye gazing and your date isn’t up for trying it, you might need to get a bit more comfortable with each other first and you can always suggest it again later. When you notice hesitation you can also share that observation and find out what the cause is. Maybe there are too many people around and you just need to find a better place.

I’ve been doing eye gazing on almost every first date for the last year and it has brought about many authentic and intimate experiences and made dating generally a lot more enjoyable. I encourage you to try it out. If eye gazing with a stranger feels too far out of your comfort zone, you can also try it with a friend first.

If you’ve found this helpful, have any questions or want to share any personal experiences with eye gazing feel free to leave a comment.