How to Ask for Feedback on Dates
Take advantage of this opportunity to learn how your actions impact others.
Coming home from a date that didn’t turn out the way you hoped it would can be frustrating. Where did things go wrong? I can’t tell you. If you don’t know it either, your date might know.
Sara and I were on our second date. During our first date we had kissed and held hands and it seemed clear that there was physical attraction between us. On our second date, she felt more distant to me and avoided any invitation for physical contact. During the night I tried to establish an emotional connection but just couldn’t work out what was going on. When I got home I sent her a text and asked her why she wasn’t intrigued by the prospect of any further intimacy and she was willing to share how she felt.
During our date we had spoken about tantra and I had shared that on tantra retreats I’ve had many experiences of feeling deeply connected to others without actually knowing much about their life stories, interests and passions and that sometimes just being fully present with another human being and sharing what feels alive right now can be enough.
Some of the stories I shared left her with the impression that I wasn’t interested in the more conventional ways of getting to know each other, such as sharing life stories and viewpoints and passions and that I might not be that interested in her as a person, but rather in intimacy as an experience or practice. This made her reluctant to take things any further.
It looked like I had done a poor job at explaining my views on intimacy and how I felt about her. Her feedback gave me a chance to refine the way I express my views on intimacy so that they are understood in the way I see them.
I have since made it a habit to ask for feedback after dates that left me with unresolved questions and I’ve received much helpful feedback this way. The above story is meant to show that it’s never too late to ask for feedback, but ideally, you ask for feedback sooner.
Asking as You Notice Tension
The best moment to ask is often as things are happening. If you notice any hesitation, tension or discomfort in your date that you can’t make sense of then just ask: “I have the impression that you are a bit tense. Is there anything that is bothering you?”. When you ask as things are happening you can course correct. Maybe putting both of you at ease only requires a minor adjustment to what you are doing right now. Maybe something you have said has been misunderstood, or maybe a concern your date has can be alleviated with some additional reassurance.
Asking in a Physical or Sexual Context
When it comes to touch and sex, body language and non-verbal communication may go a long way, but if you never ask for verbal feedback you are missing out on a major opportunity to become a better lover and understand your sexual partners better. Avoid asking in ways that bias the response towards the status quo. Rather than asking “Is this good?” ask: “Is there any way I can make this better?”. Asking about specific activities with specific adjectives such as softer / harder / faster / slower can also be helpful. An open question to ask could be “Is there anything you would like more of or less of?”. Feel into how much verbal communication feels right.
Asking for Feedback After a Date
If you ask for feedback after a date, communicate what that feedback would mean to you. Many people have the tendency to be nice, agreeable and polite. If you explain that you would feel grateful for any feedback and that you are happy with brutal honesty you give the other person permission not to be so nice
If there is a specific moment, sentence or action that confused you, ask about it. If there is a self critical explanation that you’ve told yourself over and over again, it might sometimes also be appropriate to share it and see how the other person reacts. Maybe something about you that you imagine to be a problem didn’t bother your date at all. When you receive feedback thank the other person for being so open with you. They didn’t have to tell you what they feel, but you asked them and they were nice enough to help you out.
After receiving feedback reflect on what you want to do with it.
The point of the exercise is not to become a people pleaser and avoid doing anything that you receive negative feedback on. Receiving feedback is a chance to get the full picture and understand better what is going on.
Giving good feedback requires self awareness. Your date might not know what was going on for her emotionally or why she did what she did. It’s much easier to rationalise behaviour in retrospect than to truely get to the root causes. Listen carefully, but keep your critical faculties switched on.
If the feedback you receive makes you feel misunderstood you might need to work on communicating more clearly. If your date was uncomfortable with something you did and you didn’t realize, then ask yourself whether you could have noticed and addressed this earlier. Was your behaviour aligned with your intentions? Is there anything you could have done that would have allowed you and your date to have a better experience today? Think about whether it would feel authentic to you to change anything about your behavior.
Be Generous in Giving Feedback
I recently was part of a dinner conversation in which the other guests exchanged their favorite excuses for not going on a second date with someone else. The winner of the night was: “I really enjoyed our date, but my ex showed up and we’re back together again”.
The most charitable interpretation of using these excuses is that the intention is not to hurt the other person. More likely, it is a way for the speaker to avoid feeling uncomfortable about potentially upsetting someone else. It also closes the door to any feedback conversation. If your last date tells you that she had a great time but that she spontaneously has decided to move to Australia you are unlikely to ask yourself what you could have done differently and you also can’t ask her. By deceiving someone else instead of rejecting them you are making it more difficult for them to grow and become more dateable in the future. The truely compassionate choice is to be honest. You can be gentle and you don’t need to give other people feedback when they don’t want it, but be prepared to give it when they need and want it.
If you feel compelled to give someone else feedback that they haven’t asked for I suggest you give them a choice. “I would like to give you some feedback on X, would you be open to receiving it?”. Maybe they are emotionally not in a place where they can deal with criticism right now. That’s okay too. You can be generous and put your offer out there and they can accept it if they want to.
Try experimenting with asking for feedback. I hope it will help you grow.
If you’ve found this article helpful, have any questions or want to share any personal experiences with giving or receiving feedback feel free to leave a comment.
